I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize