Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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