Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Randomize
