I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
