Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
