You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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