I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
mondays should just be called national damage control day
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
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