I used to practice getting hit by cars.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
