Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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