Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
