If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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