Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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