Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
My vagina just recognized that song.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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