New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
