nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize