two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
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