I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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