mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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