1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
