If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
And then my night got REAL pukey
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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