Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
