you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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