when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
