i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Randomize
