I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Randomize
