The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
