Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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