Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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