I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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