Swine flu. Run for my life!
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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