so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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