Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
