I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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