that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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