Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
