Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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