Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Princesses don't give blow jobs
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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