I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
