I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
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