I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
