Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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