I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
He shit in the fireplace
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
