I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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