I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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