Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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