The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
