I am puke
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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