I wish I only lived at night.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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