He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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