I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
