woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
