Soap is not a condiment
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
