At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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