fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
