I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
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