I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Holy sore nipples Batman
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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