Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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