There is too much vodka and too much dick.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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