i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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