remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
