when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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