The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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